A friend here commented about 'men usually will keep silent'... I thought for awhile, true... unlike women who will freely share their thoughts (me for example)... men usually kept quiet when they're so stressed about life.
Looking back at my last lover DOST... well, he did tell me he won't want to have intimate with anyone else anymore in our last meet up in April last year. First, his wife already got suspicious of his other women (not me). I'm always very careful about communicating with him, I abided by his rules most of the time for the almost 5 years of underground relationship with him. But his growing daughter also started to use his phone (also checking on him, I believe).
The main point of our breakdown was the involvement of a long lost childhood artist friend AV whom I introduce to him to work with him on his book. AV sowed discords to try to meet him alone without me, and then telling me lies it was my DOST who wanted to meet her alone. When I checked with him about it, he told me she was the one to suggest to meet without me. DOST even told me to let her know he will like to meet her with me along. She wasn't happy about it.
When I confronted her, she threatened to expose our relationship to his wife. See, this AV has something up her sleeves, turned out she has been going around meeting up with long lost school mates and then after getting to know their works and secrets, she will use the secrets to manipulative people into paying her to shut her traps. And all the while I was so kind to her, bring food to her home, send food rations to her yet she repaid my friendship with such malice. She even messaged me and called me slut, whore as she knew about my darkest days of my life having to serve men in order to survive... Using all these very unkind words, blocked me and unblocked me to send me more insults.
And because of her, I can understand why people hated Jews. Coz she also converted to be a Jew, and she learn how to use her wisdom and charms to bully everyone around her. She also used her knowledge working in a law firm to send out court suits to demand for payments over the slightest matters, that all her neighbours shun her too, coz she boasted to me she complaint about every one of them using the Magistrate's Complaint to bring anyone to courts whenever she felt offended. A real KAREN but not white. And because of her own perceived racism, she will always accused everyone who offended her based on her own skin colour, acting as the victim when she was really the actual bully.
Anyway, of course DOST felt threatened and wanted to have nothing to do with both AV and me after her threats. As for me, I felt betrayed and wronged for nothing. My intention was just to help my DOST find an illustrator for his book writing. And as all business mode, it is the usual way to meet up everyone together before agreeing on any deal. DOST has never deal with businesses, unlike me who always make deals in leadership roles.
But really this incident left DOST feeling very vulnerable. He told me he will never feel the same again... and told me to delete all our photos and videos in case that crazy AV do something about us. He told me we have to be safe and also deleted me from his social media. He promised me we're still friends and I can still messaged him on whatapp, but on the new condition all messages will disappeared within 24 hours.
Unknown to me at that time, his country Turkiye was also going through a lot of money woes. It was later many months on then he revealed to me his savings in his country are worth nothing... he's bankrupt. Meanwhile his wife's country UK, also exit the EU... I'm not too sure if their small house in Turkiye is still around, especially after that recent earthquake in so large areas.
I kept asking him when will he fulfilled his promise to meet again... all he can say was sorry... till he ghosted me... he will only read but never reply... I continued till this year June... and stopped. He was still having a lot of good times with his other friends here from all the posts he made in his social media. He completely ignored me, the first friend he knew in SG whom helped him with so many info when he was coming here in 2017.
So I left him in peace... while I worked on myself through the heart ache of losing him. My health suffered... my heart failure gotten worse... from 49% (Dec 2021) to 41% (Mar 2022) to 30-35% (Nov 2022) to 27% (Mar 2023). I almost made it into the kidney transplant list... but was rejected after my heart function fell. In fact, my team of doctors even said I should think of heart transplant instead. But they can only now offered me to do a pacemaker implant.
I wanted to get mad with him... but I can't. I still have feelings for him. I kept my distance... till his birthday recently. Then I send him a birthday wish. He read within 5 minutes but no reply.
After reading the AFF friend's comment, I also thought... yes... maybe DOST is still in stress mode and doesn't want to talk at all. After all, the inflation is getting worse... so many countries at the brink of bankruptcy too... so many people are resorting to food banks to feed their families as property rentals are going up the roofs in many first world countries too.
So after thinking about it, I just messaged DOST today. I do not want to bother him too much, but I am always here as an old friend if he needs someone to vent. Because I also worried about him but I choose to leave him in peace the past 6 months for him to settle his own matters first. I also told him to take care as I still addressed him as 'fluffy bear'... my little affectionate nickname for him.
Honestly I didn't check until few hours later. He again read it, within 2 minutes! Although no reply, but I have kept to my character... that I'm always the loyal one in friendships... in fact, I never leave anyone behind... that's my character. It is always the people who took me for granted left first.
Really, not my loss. I always keep my door opened... my loyalty to friendship is forever... whether DOST will ever reply is also not something to be upset about anymore. I never turn my back on him... whether he will ever rises to my level of being a promise keeper is for him to decide, not me.
Such a relief... I felt freed. I know, I have not let him down... I have done my best. Now I can fully focus on my own self care with no regrets. I have always put his best interests at heart, warned him of the potential pitfalls of not saving up way before all these inflations and world crisis started... all these merry making shallow expat friendships he cherished so much, also ended up with them moving onto other countries to work and forgotten about him.
Maybe only now, in his darkness period of finance turmoil, he finally realised what this old friend been advising him all along. But he never expected that I'm a person with foresight and what I predicted earlier all came to pass. I may be 6 months younger than him, but my wealth of life experiences taught me to be ready in difficult times. He is living in my country, he should listen to what the locals know than being a fool to keep hanging out with the expats who know nothing much on how things are run here. There are so many ways to save on expenses that only locals will have links to.
It is also a learning journey for him... he still need to undergo more tough training ahead in this inflation crisis. Anyway, my door is still open if he needs actual help. Not for sex, I care for him as a friend only. My current goals are helping out in charity works like sharing resources with the needy, educating the public on health care stuff.
DOST is a friend too, even if he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He can be the typical Scorpio, super stubborn yet I know he's a softie inside. I might make him cry so he's hiding again. But as long as he is willing to open up for assistance, I am here as a friend always.
5 comments
I think males are socialized as to not be as open with their feelings. Society dictates that. You are being a good friend. Just remember ....no response IS a response. I had to learn that myself ~
There are all types of manipulative individuals. Best to be guarded around them