From young all my siblings and I followed our Mum's Buddhist faith even though my Dad was a Christian prior. He didn't go to church anymore and let my Mum decides. But at about 8 years old when my Mum passed away, we shifted to a new place. Over there, after I was introduced to Bible stories from a lady volunteer doing outreach in my low income housing area, I got interested in this God that create the world and can be my Heavenly Father.
As I have a close relationship with my earthly widowed Dad who always spent time teaching me about life skills and sharing of his life experiences, I naturally responded well to having another Father figure in my life when the volunteer offered me the knowledge of Salvation. But I didn't join their outreach activities in their church as I'm also the primary caregiver to my aging Dad who was very sick. I have to stay home after school or go to work part time to support both of us.
But another church came to do outreach during X'mas in 1994, and I introduce them to my Dad. They send older members to spend time with my Dad while I was away at school or work. In the end, 6 months before he passed away, Dad converted back to his religion. So after his death 3 months later, I converted to Christianity, as I did made a promise to see Dad again in Heaven one day. I remembered I converted on 18th June 1995, which was a Fathers' Day Sunday.
LIFE went by... many things happened in my life that eventually left me questioning about LIFE. Sometimes I might take out a treasure box with my Dad's old photo from his urn's plaque (when his ex Columbarium's land was taken back by the government so we did a new plague for his new resting place) and think of my Dad when I'm alone or Hubby is sleeping. I love my Hubby but it's not easy caring for Hubby due to his mental condition. Most of the time, I'm left making decisions for this household and for my Hubby who is not capable of even simple problem solving or socialization.
Sometimes I longed for a man that reminded me of my Dad. Someone who will spend time telling me about his life experiences and good advices. So when my ex lover DOST of 5 years came into my life, and I found out he has the same birthday as my Dad and his daughter's birthday is also same date as my 'reborn day'... I can't helped but felt that sense of protective Dad's nature also rubbed onto me in our interactions. Just like my Dad, DOST loves to talk non stop about his life experiences to me. I love that, able to spend quiet moments with him even though it's short... just 45 mins each time he visited in 3 months.
And I felt touched when he brought me out to see a movie in my wheelchair when all my friends have moved on with their lives and I felt left alone. He created video of his daughter about their lives here in SG, and the first video he dedicated to me. Yet the funny thing was, the last video they did after he ghosted me... was about organ donation which he did with his daughter for her IB PYP exhibition. Prior to that, he was helping me to find a hospital in his homeland for kidney transplant. Because the waiting list in SG for a kidney is 8-9 years... and he told me his country is bigger so easier to find a donor.
I did get in touch with the hospital he introduced and we talked about some basic pre-checkups info and I did think of selling my home to downsize to get the funding to go oversea for it. But everything was interrupted due to that crazy mental childhood friend whom stir shit between us and DOST decided not to get involved with me anymore.
I felt lost after he ghosted me... maybe that last video he made with his daughter was also a hint to me that it's a form of closure too. I felt I lost another Father figure in my life again.
Others chided me... saying he's a devil in disguise... coz of the affair we had, I didn't want to go back to church as I am not willing to confess his presence in my life was wrong or a mistake. He was part of my life experiences. He did helped me to gain back confidence as we went on a weight loss challenge together... and I even did the gastric sleeve surgery coz he made me feel beautiful and to be a person to be desired again. I cannot ignored the benefits he brought to my life for making me inspired to be healthy again.
Anyway, I think my Heavenly Father didn't give up on me. Since I was transferred to a new dialysis centre, I get a monthly consultation from the organization Doctor who is a health freak and has many amazing exercise videos. He was funny and kind, and he told me he wants to be healthy so he can live long to see to his daughters growing up. Oh gosh, I think he triggered my Daddy's issues right away after that speech. And don't worry, we won't end up with affair issue since we only talk during official consultations. But I have to admit, I get inspired by his zest for health and LIFE again.
Then my Elder Sis finally converted to Christianity after her bosses at work reached out to her. Yesterday was her Baptism Day so she invited me to witness it. I went to her church with the assistance from my engineer tenant who was off work. On the way home, I saw this RED SPORTS CAR of my favourite brand... FERRARI just side by side with my Ride! It is a playful habit of mine to look out for nice cars while out on rides.
I'm a Taurus, from young I love to look at beautiful things & people. I do not envy, I just like to admire, that's all. Coz I don't even want to think of the maintenance of having a car! Gosh! I just like to admire the designs and how people personalized their cars. And like my Heavenly Father, I have this little game with HIM. Whenever I feel down, I might ask HIM if I'm still his little girl... and HE will show me signs and wonders to remind me I'm loved by showing me things I really like but very rare to see. Just like how a normal earthly Dad will indulge his daughter with her favourite stuff.
My Elder Sis didn't like Christianity in the past, she's the hardest for me to preach to. In our younger days, she even hurt me a lot as she's the rebel in the house. She got the most beatings from our Dad and left home. But now, as I see her changes after joining a church... she's happier and even will hug me now. But I'm the one who used to be on fire for God but left my faith and wandering out there in the worldliness feeling lost. So I was wondering if HE still think of me after the church service ends...
Then this Ferrari side by side just made me smile. Yes, my Heavenly Father is reminding me HE is by my side even though I keep running from him. HE is practically blasting from Heaven right in front of my face to tell me HE LOVED ME! Ahhh, I felt so loved. At least now I'm slowly starting back to have healthy normal platonic relationships with people. As long as I keep the boundary, I know my Heavenly Father will allow me to have a bit of indulgence admiring beautiful people from a safe distance, like my cute funny Doctor.
What to do, I guess I do have that wanderlust DNA from my earthly Dad who love to share the beautiful places, people and things he saw in his seaman travels. And yes, I have this fondness for RED colour (Passion) & something with a horse logo coz I'm born in 1978, the year of Horse in Chinese zodiac. This Ferrari is so cool!
10 comments
Good day,
Thank you for this wonderful post. It is very much appreciated.
@Jaun4u
I'm glad you like this post.
I think you’re lucky to believe in something so strongly and yep Ferrari’s are super cool, but I don’t wish to own one lol.
@Dusty_bawls02
Definitely, owning one costs so much and I hate to think of the expensive repairs! But I just love looking at it. Haha!
@Lady_Elizabella
Insurance alone would be enough for me to say I don’t want it lol. But you’re right, they are cool to look at.